Humorous Quotes about
Marriage

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory. ~ Abraham Lincoln

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. ~ Alexander Pope

Love - A temporary insanity curable by marriage. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Yawn - Nature's way of letting married men open their mouths ~ Anon

The way to fight your wife is with your hat - Grab it and run ~ Anon

No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. ~ Anon

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? ~ Barbara Streisand

It destroys one's nerve to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. ~ Benjamin Franklin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked. ~ Bill Cosby

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first. ~ Billy Sunday

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. ~ Cass Daley

When you're a married man, Samivel, you'll understand a good many things as you don't understand now; but whether it's worth while, going through so much, to learn so little, as the charity-boy said when he got to the end of the alphabet, is a matter o taste. ~ Charles Dickens

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. ~ Donald H. Mcgannon

Marriage is like wine. It is not be properly judged until the second glass. ~ Douglas William Jerrold

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine. ~ Erma Bombeck (A Marriage made in Heaven)

I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, ''What will you have, sir?'' And I said, ''A glass of hemlock.'' ~ Ernest Hemingway

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. ~ F. M. Knowles

It is obvious that all sense has gone out of modern marriage: which is, however, no objection to marriage but to modernity. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. ~ G. K. Chesterton

It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can. ~ George Bernard Shaw

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. ~ George Bernard Shaw

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. ~ Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution? ~ Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. ~ Groucho Marx

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married. ~ Groucho Marx (Memoirs of a Mangy Lover)

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives. ~ H. L. Mencken

If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself. ~ H. L. Mencken

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it. ~ Helen Rowland

One fool at least in every married couple. ~ Henry Fielding

It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. ~ Irwin Cory

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ~ Jackie Mason

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house. ~ Jean Kerr

I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom. ~ John Barrymore

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. ~ Katharine Hepburn

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