Humorous Quotes attributed to Mel Brooks
1926- , American Comedian, Writer and Filmmaker

A lot of young ladies told me they auditioned their husbands-to-be with the record (The Cannes Film Festival). If they really enjoyed the record and really laughed, he was a real prospect. But if he didn't understand it, that was it. (Los Angeles Times, May 25 1997)

All right, I am often brash, rude and brutally direct. Someday I'm going to die ad I don't have time to toe-dance around the periphery of hatred.

Any man's greatness is a tribute to the nobility of all mankind, so when we celebrate the genius of Tolstoy, we say, "Look! One of our boys made it! Look what we're capable of!"

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.

(At an Emmy Awards ceremony after leaping onto a table) Coleman Jacoby and Arnie Rosen won an Emmy and Mel Brooks didn't! Niezsche was right! There is no God! There is no God!

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

Beans, beans, the musical fruits;
The more you eat, the more you toots.

Being short never bothered me for three seconds. The rest of the time I wanted to commit suicide.(Playboy, Feb 1975)

Do you have a dollar on you? I hate to answer questions for nothing.(Playboy, Feb 1975)

Even in English, Jews talked different. Gentiles have Rs. Jews were not given Rs by God. Gentiles said, "PaRk the caR." Jews said, "Pahk the cah."(Playboy, Feb 1975)

Farts are a repressed minority. The mouth gets to say all kinds of things, but the other place is supposed to keep quite. But maybe our lower colons have something interesting to say. Maybe we should listen to them. (Playboy, Feb 1975)

For 75 years these big, hairy brutes have been smashing their fists into each other's faces and blasting each other full of holes with six-guns, but in all that time, not one has had the courage to produce a fart. I think that's funny.

Humour is just another defense against the universe.

I could do my little Jewish Brief Encounter and disguise it - shorten the noses. But it wouldn't be as much fun as my delivering my dish of insanity. That's what I'm good at.

I don't think in terms of results at all. I think: what next insanity can I shock the world with?(Maclean's, April 17 1978)

I had low blood sugar, a chemical imbalance, plus the normal nervous breakdown everyone goes through from adolescence to adulthood.

I hung around with guys two years older. Why should they let this puny kid hang out with them? I gave them a reason. I became their jester. Also, they were afraid of my tongue. I had it sharpened and I'd stick it in their eye.(Playboy, Feb 1975)

I know she's (Mom) good. Because you can tell a person by what they are inside and I've been there. I've been inside and looked around. I know she's great.

I realised that all one really had to do was just observe. Observe and slightly exaggerate, and you had comedy. Instead of creating a mythical premise for a stupid joke, I found playing off truth got the best result.

I spent a lot of time in the artillery. Too noisy. Could not take the noise. All through the war, two cigarette butts stuck in my ears. Couldn't read, couldn't think, couldn't even make a phone call. Baghamoooooommmmm! Brrllaggghhaarrooooooooooommmmm! And then they started shooting. (Playboy, Feb 1975)

I was adored. I was always in the air, hurled up and kissed and thrown in the air again. Until I was six, my feet didn't touch the ground. (Playboy, Feb 1975)

I went into show business to make a noise, to pronounce myself. I want to go on making the loudest noise to the most people. If I can't do that, I'm not going to make a quiet, exquisite noise for a cabal of cognoscenti.

If I get on the soapbox and wax eloquently, it'll be blown away in the wind, but if I do Sprintime for Hitler it'll never be forgotten. I think you can bring down totalitarian governments faster by using ridicule than you can with invective. (Maclean's April 17 1978)

If Ivan the Terrible had been kissed and loved between zero and three, he probably would have become Ivan Not So Terrible. (Modern Maturity, March 1999)

If nobody were around, I would describe myself as the spitting image of Robert Redford. If somebody were around, I'd say I'm closer to the spitting image of Leon Trotsky. I'm a bon vivant, a sophisticate, a member of the upper classes who doesn't wear glasses. (Entertainment Weekly 1996)

If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they'll do it to the country. (2013-Year-Old Man record)

If you're Jewish, you have a small smile on your face. Because you know the rest are wrong and you don't want to hurt their feelings. (Modern Maturity, March 1999)

If you can fail between the ages of twenty and thirty, it's fabulous. Too much early success and the rest of your life becomes a measure of repeating it. If they had praised The Potato Eater, Van Gogh never would have painted The Starry Night.

If you're alive, you got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living.

If you've done a good job, your work will still be sixteen years old and dancing and healthy and pirouetting and arabesquing all over the place. And they'll say, "That's who he is! He's not this decaying skeleton."

I'm always stunned when I find out people like Roosevelt and Tolstoy weren't Jewish. How could I love them so much? (Playboy, Feb 1975)

In every spoof I make real love to the things I am spoofing.

It (Europe) gives me a good deal of pleasure, but it's always fighting, fighting. I tell you, I'll be so happy when it finally settles down and gets married. (Playboy, 1966.)

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks on Serbia...
At night, you can't do anything, because all of Belgrade is lit by a ten-watt bulb, and you can't go anywhere, because Tito has the car... And the food in Yugoslavia is either very good or very bad. One day we arrived on location late and starving and they served us fried chains. When we got to our hotel rooms, mosquitoes as big as George Foreman were waiting for us. They were sitting in armchairs with their legs crossed. ~ Playboy, Feb 1975

Look, I had to take chances or it wasn't fun being funny. (Playboy, Feb 1965)

Me? Not like the Germans? Why should I not like Germans? Just because they're arrogant and have fat necks and do anything they're told so long as it's cruel, and killed millions of Jews in concentration camps and made soap out of their bodies and lamp shades out of their skins? Is that any reason to hate their f***ing guts? (Playboy, Feb 1975)

My favorite expression is: When you go up to the bell, ring it ? or don't go up to the bell.

My God, I'd love to smash into the casket of Dostoyevsky, grab that bony hand and scream a the remains, 'Well done, you god-damn genius.'

Never, never try to be funny! The actors must be serious. Only the situation must be absurd. Funny is in the writing, not in the performing.

One day God said, 'Let there be prey,' and he created pigeons, rabbits, lambs and Gene Wilder. (Newsweek, Feb 1975)

Think what a barren existence it would be without the constant asking for money and the sarcasm and the laughing at you and telling you, 'Pop, there's all kinds of stuff hanging out of your nose.'

They're (Movies are) the most expensive art form ever invented. Leonardo didn't need a studio chief for the money to draw a lower jaw. All he needed was a nickel for a pencil. Goya could paint you a national tragedy for $1.69. But to make a movie you need $1 million. (Newsweek, Feb 1975)

To me tragedy is if I cut my finger. . . . Comedy is if you walk into an open sewer and die.

Unrelieved lamenting would be untolerable. So, for every ten Jews, beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. (Newsweek, Feb 1975)

We (Carl Reiner and me) hang out together. Tonight, for instance, we're going to eat at Pritikin. But we can't hang out afterwards because it's very gassy food. (Modern Maturity, March 1999)

We were so poor my mother couldn't afford to have me; the lady next door gave birth to me. (Playboy, Feb 1975)

We're going to die anyway. And because of that, let's have a merry journey, and shout about how light is good and dark is not. What we should do is not future ourselves so much. We should now ourselves more. 'Now thyself' is more important than 'Know thyself.'

Why should I waste my good time making a straight dramatic film? The people who can't make you laugh can do that.

You cannot have fun with anything that you don't love or admire or respect.

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