Humorous Quotes from
By Howard Stern
- When I was seven years old my mother gave me puppets and within weeks I had puppet orgies in my basement for all my friends to see.
- In the moonlight my nose looks much smaller. Moonlight is my friend.
- It always upset me when women came on the show and said, “You have beautiful feet.” What an insult! Look how far they had to search to find something decent looking on me.
- I am biologically forty-one years old with the libido of a fifteen-year-old and the maturity of a seven-year-old.
- Why would a superstar come to Howard Stern seeking help and guidance? The plain and simple truth is . . . desperation. You would have to have sunk to an all-time low to start crawling underneath my rock, and Michael (Jackson) had pretty much hit rock bottom.
- Chevy Chase had just finished his stint in the Guinness Book of World Records for the “chump with the shortest late-night television show in history.”
- Well, my head was so swollen I could have been mistaken for Rush Limbaugh.
- Those English are so polite they can't even hang up on a jerk like me.
- He’s (Michael Jackson) wearing military garb. Damn, he even dresses up on days off. He’s living the Michael Jackson character twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
- You have to study for four years to be a chiropractor, but I think that three and a half of those years are spent learning how to get medical insurance companies to pay for these wacky treatments.
- Pretty much the only reason I'm even motivated to breathe anymore is to get paid.
- I'm burnt out after being on the radio. It takes a lot of energy to be a circus monkey for millions of people all morning.
- ...this is the Robin Quivers who wrote the best seller Quivers: A Life, the same woman who found it easy to take up jogging because she envisioned my face below her feet as she pounded the ground with each stride.
- When I first hired him, he would get drunk and tell everyone that he was the brains behind the show. But that never bothered me. I knew that wasn’t Jack Martling talking. That was Jack Daniel’s talking.
- When Gary’s grandfather got to Ellis Island from the armpit of Italy, Naples, he picked his nose and wiped his dirty booger on his immigration papers, creating an apostrophe over the last “I” in Dell’Abate.
- Howard’s amazing. Sometimes it’s only seven o’clock in the morning and he’s already screamed at me, Jackie, Fred, and John. ~ Gary Dell'Abate.
- The humiliating words were beginning to flow. Hurricane Howie was brewing.
- Now that Jackie (Kennedy-Onassis) had died everyone had all sorts of cool information but me. One paper even reported that if Jackie weighed 115 pounds, she would weight 57.5 pounds on Mars. On Jupiter, Jackie O would weight about 3,657 pounds . . . almost as much as Rush Limbaugh.
- Woody Allen’s been seeing a shrink for twenty-five million years – that’s a malpractice suit waiting to happen.
- And God, please, one last thing, cure the breath of Boy Gary, my producer. But on second thought, I don’t think that’s within your power.
- Babe Ruth could hit the ball, Einstein could write equations, and Stern can, well, Stern can make you laugh while you're stuck in a traffic jam.
- The Stern gang, led by the old original freak beak himself, will be coming to Philadelphia. Lock up your daughters and your sheep.
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