Humorous Quotes from
Don't stand too close to a Naked Man
By Tim Allen
- If Iíd had my way, I would have dedicated this
book to myself and told everyone else to go straight toÖ..
- This book is about how I got to where I am before
this book ended my career.
- I have a car stereo that will leave messages. Itís
got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.
- The problems with kids twenty years ago Ė and
today. Then: not dressing properly, not being quiet in the cafeteria, and
not finishing meals. Now: pregnancy, gunfire, and barbiturates. This is
- Someone should come out with a man-woman dictionary,
like those English-French ones.
- The worst thing about being bad is getting caught.
This is because the excitement does not lie as much in the activity itself
as in the thrill of getting away with it. Mischief is a game of cat and
mouse. Itís guerrilla tactics.
- Even as adults, not getting caught remains menís
number one preoccupation. Thatís why men learn to lie Ė although we
prefer to call it ďbullshitting.Ē
- I'm a mathematical liar: you know, two lies make a
- After the six hour interrogation by cops whoíve
watched too many cop shows on TV, the holding cell is first a relief, then a
- While awaiting sentencing I decided to give stand-up
comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him
- I think my parents kept my younger sister indoors
until she was eighteen Ė or was that the cat?
- Usually, every guy is a nice guy with other guysí
parents. I mean you gotta know the folks pretty well before you start
- Comprehending womenís habits, needs, desires, and
the difference between a dress and a skirt is really the key to a manís
peace of mind and better relations for all.
- To get a manís attention, just stand in front of
TV and donít move.
- Iíve been asked when lying to a woman is okay. All
the time would be just fine. As long as you donít get caught. Just donít
- Hereís how you can tell when a woman is lying to
you: When you so completely believe what sheís saying that it doesnít
even occur to you to question. Thatís when sheís lying, but itís a
catch-22. Let it go.
- Guys read, too. There has never been a cereal box
that didnít fascinate me.
- Iíve seen women in gyms who must be working out
somewhere else just to look good enough to come to the gym.
- Golf is also a lot like going to a strip club. You
get all charged up, pay big money to hang out on a beautiful course, and
start drinking early. Eighteen holes later, youíre plastered and
frustrated, and most of your balls are missing.
- Back East people have lawns. At my West Coast house,
I donít have a lawn. Itís more like a salad.
- Speedintensityvolumepower. Speedintensityvolumepower.
The mantra of the modern man.
- If we could redirect the money spent on overpriced
womenís footwear, we could halve the national debt. Women have fifteen
pairs of shoes in the closet, and thatís just in black.
- As youíve probably guessed, I get asked tool,
construction, and repair-related questions all the time by people who
somehow have the idea that I know what Iím talking about.
- Stay away from department stores during cosmetic
specials. It would hurt less to be run over by a buffalo stampede.
- Like most men, Iím confused by feminism... For the
longest time I wasnít sure what the word actually meant. At first, I
thought it was ďthe study of what men do wrong.Ē
- When they (women) were feeling generous, they might
say that men were only good for one thing, and that we werenít very good
at that, either.
- Thereís not much you can call a guy that gets him
upset. At least not after weíve endured the way men have been portrayed on
TV sitcoms for over forty years.
- If women are always complaining about men, tell me
who raised the men?
- One reason men lie so much is that we get forced into it. Itís the
truth! Our lying increases the longer weíre married...
Have you checked out
this super book?
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