Humorous Quotes from
Napalm and Silly Putty
By George Carlin
- Have you ever noticed that when you're drivin’, anyone goin’ slower than you is an idiot? And anyone goin’ faster than you is a maniac?
- One of the first things they teach you in Driver’s Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put ‘em at ten o’clock and two o’ clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I’m goin’.
- Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.
- When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
- Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
- They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for
that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop.
Preferably at an airport.
- That's why they elected - and reelected - Bill Clinton. Because given a
choice, Americans prefer their bullshit right out front, where they can get
a good, strong whiff of it. Clinton may have been full of shit, but at least
he let you know it. And people like that.
- I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
- And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.
- I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.
- If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does
everyone go up the easy side?
- As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
- I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on
this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
- An art thief is a man who takes pictures.
- We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.
- Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
- These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
- Live and let live, that's what I say. Anyone who can't understand that
should be killed. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked well in
- Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
- In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it
immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.
- I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is
legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to
sell something that's legal to give away?
- Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
- The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
- People think hockey is a sport. It's not. Hockey is three activities taking
place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and
beating the shit out of somebody.
- I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the
following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking
after it! An then ..hitting it again!
- Feces take place.
- Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"
- Most people don't know what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
- As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
- You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule.
It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.
- "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."
- The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
- In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and
"good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
- A pear is a failed apple.
- Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."
- I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
- Just when I discovered the meaning of life, it changed.
- The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
- The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."
- When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.
- I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part
of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
- I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
- Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called
- If crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom
- To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.
- I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from
- If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
- Once you leave the womb, conservative don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
- Why is it when it's a human being it's called an abortion, and when it's a
chicken its called an omelet.
- Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.
- As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the
turds from your path.
- You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This
country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!
- I guess I'm not a very good American, because I like to form my own
opinions; I don't just roll over when I'm told.
- McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.
- Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.
- Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
- The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.
- Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where
one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"
- In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."
- When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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