Humorous Quotes from
New Rules : Polite Musings from a Timid Observer
By Bill Maher
- Rules are the signpost that define where our rights end and those of our fellow citizens begin.
- The 3 most important things for a child to learn are respect, accountability and to shut the hell up on airplanes.
- Cosco is now selling reasonably priced caskets... but in doing so they are depriving us of one of the most critical stages of the grieving process - Getting screwed out of four grand by a sleazy funeral home director.
- Call things what they are... If your morning coffee contains crushed ice, whipped cream and caramel it's a milk shake. Same as if you cook your cocaine on a spoon and smoke it you're not freebasing, you're a crackhead. And if you go down on your husband after he gives you a new fur coat, you're not celebrating your anniversary, you're a ... oh never mind!
- The only time a man should say "I need a hug" is if he's choking!
- The Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King is so long you have to take a pee break before you get through the title. If I want to spend that kind of time seeing dragons, I'll take drugs.
- George Bush must stop saying he owes all of his success to Laura. George Bush owes all of his success to his daddy, his daddies friends, trust funds, legacy admissions, the National Guard, The Supreme Court, Carl Rove, Dick Cheney and the AA.
- Computers aren't for voting, they're for picking up under age girls....
You thought the 2004 election was bad, wait until the next one is decided by a customer service rep in New Delhi.
- People say education is the cornerstone of our democracy. They're wrong, of course, the cornerstone of our democracy is campaign cash and lots of it.
- Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio
sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.
- If you have to tell me what fraction of you is Native American, you're not really an Indian. There's a word for people who claim to be one quarter Indian - Puerto Rican.
- As a comedian I do a lot of flying and some of it is in airplanes.
- What gets on TV has to be atleast as interesting as what's on the average security monitor at a convenience store.
- Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.
- You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause... Try donating it to the Democrats.
- If it weren't for California there would be almost no TV and you'd have to go home at night and actually talk to your family.
- Hurricanes are God's way of saying - "Get of My property!"
- Priest should be allowed to marry. What better way to ensure celibacy?
- There is nothing wrong with being a little old bald guy and marrying a
twenty three year old. That's why God created money!
- ... The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant!
- Moms and dads today are like the Democratic Party - lame, spineless and not holding up their end of the equation and kids are like the Republicans drunk with power and out of control.
- Forget the peace corps, we need a piece of arse corps. Girls, there's a cure for terrorism and you're sitting on it.
- All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.
- I don't need my cell phone to play video games or access the internet or double as a walkie-talkie.... when it comes to cell phones I just need the basics. Something that rings at inappropriate moments, interferes with airline safety and gives me a brain tumor.
- Guys watch the superbowl while eating an entire tub of guacamole and then say "Hey it's the good kind of fat!" No. The only good kind of fat is J Lo's arse.
- Stop leaving messages on my answering machine saying it's me. I already have a me in my life. Me. And frankly, if we were that close, I'd have given you the number of the phone I answer.
- News organizations have to stop using the phrase 'we go beyond the
headlines.' Yeah, That's your job dummy. You don't see American airlines saying "we land our jets on the runway."
- Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows - Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
- ... I know most librarians wouldn't see much of a future with some babbling drunk with a drug habbit and a messiah complex but hey ... it worked for Laura Bush.
- If you are surprised to find out that baseball players use steroids we need to find out what drugs you are on.
- ...we can't find him (Osama Bin Laden) with cruise missiles, satellites or million dollar bribes. Although oddly enough he is reachable through classmates.com !
- If your order is to ride a skateboard through a minefield to deliver a
zagnut bar to Donald Rumsfeld, I'm sorry that's the deal with the army. You know what happens to soldiers who disobey direct orders? That's right! They become the President of the United States.
- Record number of teenage girls are seeking breast augmentation surgery. Let's get back to the good old days when you're daughter announced she was getting D's and she was talking about her report card.
- ...Stick to your original strategy. Only bring out Dick Chenney when you're trying to make Rumsfeld seem human.
- The only part that matters about movie sound is that it's really really
loud. Otherwise, I'll be able to think. And if I think I'll realise I'm a
college educated adult watching a movie about a spiderman !
- In other countries a CEO committing adultery isn't even called a scandal, it's called a business trip.
- Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
- Marriage is a blessed union of souls. It's also motive 1 (for murder) !
- There's a word for couples who believe that the feelings they share now are the feelings they'll share forever - delusional.
- American Presidents are like American beer - bland, watered down and advertised to us like we're morons.
- Before John Kennedy no one thought you could put a Catholic behind the desk at the Oval Office. And before Clinton no one knew you could put a Jew under it.
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