Humorous Quotes about
New York

I come from New York where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by your wallet. ~ Al McGuire

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and it was the only place where my fears were justified. ~ Anita Weiss

Young singers ask me, "Do I have to live in New York?" I say, "You can live wherever you want-as long as people think you live in New York." ~ Benita Valente

New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat. ~ Brendan Behan

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed. ~ Charlie Chaplin (My Autobiography)

In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her. If we happen into a nightclub by mistake, when we leave the doorman will be lying in the street surrounded by police. ~ Cynthia Heimel (If you can't live without me...)

In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other’s genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they’ve slid under the table. ~ Cynthia Heimel (If you can't live without me...)

At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say “excuse me.” Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there’d be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry Talks Back)

Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I’m there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I’m wearing a Hefty trash bag. And it’s last year’s Hefty trash bag. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry Talks Back)

It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment that could easily be carried on a commercial airline flight. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry's Greatest Hits)

Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry's Greatest Hits)

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any “spare” change. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry's Greatest Hits)

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry's Greatest Hits)

We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry's Greatest Hits)

There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move. ~ David Letterman

I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him. ~ Emo Philips

Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow. ~ George Mikes (How to Scrape Skies)

I know a member of one of New York’s first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue) ~ Groucho Marx (Memoirs of a Mangy Lover)

Way to go...
If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the taxi has some kind of problem with the steering, probably dead pedestrians lodged in the mechanism, the result being that there is a delay of 8 to 10 seconds between the time the driver turns the wheel and the time the taxi actually changes direction, a handicap that the driver is compensating for by going 175 miles per hour, at which velocity we are able to remain airborne almost to the far rim of some of the smaller potholes.
~ Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. ~ Jay Leno

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. ~ Jerry Seinfeld (SeinLanguage)

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. ~ Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. ~ Johnny Carson

I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket. ~ Madonna

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit. ~ P.J. O'Rourke (All the Trouble in the World)

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'. ~ Paul Merton

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this. ~ Robert Benchley(Of All Things)

New York has always been going to hell but somehow it never gets there. ~ Robert Persig

Leisure...
This (42nd Street) is also an excellent place to shop for your leisure product needs, including The Bionic Woman (“An amazingly lifelike companion”) and a vast selection of latex objects, some the size of military pontoons. The local residents are very friendly, often coming right up and offering to engage in acts of leisure with you. Reluctantly, however, Chuck and I decided to tear ourselves away, for we have much more to see, plus we do not wish to spend the rest of our lives soaking in vats of penicillin.
~ Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

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Humorous Quotes about New York

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Humorous Quotes about
New York

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