Humorous Quotes attributed to Noel Coward
1899-1973, English Playwright, Actor, Composer, Director

Criticism and Bolshevism have one thing in common. They both seek to pull down that which they could never build.

Having to read a footnote resembles having to go downstairs to answer the door while in the midst of making love.

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

I belonged to Battersea Park public lavatory... library not lavatory. Freudian slip. (BBC Interview)

I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.

I have always been very fond of them (drama critics) . . . I think it is so frightfully clever of them to go night after night to the theatre and know so little about it.

I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.

I was trained when I was very young as a show-off. (BBC interview)

I'll go through life either first class or third, but never in second.

I'm an enormously talented man, and there's no use pretending that I'm not.

I'm over-educated in the things I shouldn't have known at all.

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick, or is about to be.

My body has certainly wandered a good deal, but I have an uneasy suspicion that my mind has not wandered enough.

Never trust a man with short legs. His brain's too near his bottom.

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

Play through the laughs if you have to. It will only make the audience believe there are so many of them that they missed a few.

She stopped the show - but then the show wasn't traveling very fast.

Success took me to her bosom like a maternal boa constrictor.

The higher the building the lower the morals.

Time has convinced me of one thing: Television is for appearing on--not for looking at.

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.

Work is much more fun than fun.

You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your pay packet on Friday.

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