Humorous Quotes from
I'm not really here
By Tim Allen
- My reading list was sort of The Celestine Prophecy of Motorcycle Maintenance Embraced by the Light on the Road Less Traveled by the Dancing Wu Li Masters of Hyperspace.
- Here in L.A. – and probably where you live, too – the weathermen were apparently born with names like Dallas Raines and Johnny Mountain. Pretty soon it will be Brian Blizzard, Claude Cloude and, best of all, Getitwrong N. Stillgitpade.
- No human can eat one of these (cinnamon buns) a week and live. But if you do survive, this load of fat and calories can easily be burned off by drinking gallon of grapefruit and climbing Mount Everest with the Anvil of the Gods strapped to your back.
- My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.
- Strip clubs are all about frustration. It’s kinda like going to a buffet restaurant where you can look at the food but . . . HEY! DON’T TOUCH THAT!
- My dictionary is so big that it has a stand and comes with its own tractor-trailer. I need a permit to move it from room to room.
- What most people don’t realize about success is that, as Garry Shandling once pointed out, you now have enough money to give yourself more time to worry about why you’re miserable.
- For the folks who may not be living through a mid-life crisis just yet, don’t worry. You don’t have to be left out.
- I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.
- You can cover up blotchy skin and other bar-fight bruises with something called “foundation.” This is not to be confused with the basis of an idea, an undergarment, or the stuff that holds up a house. Put any of those on your face and you're asking for trouble.
- The second shelf is full of car magazines I liked enough to keep. They are very expensive and printed on beautiful heavyweight paper. They're good for catching dust for at least ten years.
- I have succeeded in life. Why? Because I set goals....I probably shouldn’t say any more about them, though, since I think the first was “Become Dictator of the Earth.”
- Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
- Sometimes I feel like there’s a tiny, but quite handsome, man in my head running the Tim Dick/Tim Allen Show. The problem with this is that if there is a tiny man in my head, there must be a tinier man in his head, and so on and so on and so on. No wonder I'm suffering from detachment, as well as a whopper of a headache?
- Mostly, I spent my chore years – sometimes called the “wonder years” because you always wonder why you're doing chores instead of playing with your friends – outside: mowing lawns in the summertime and raking leaves in the fall.
- Scientists have estimated that every person on earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.
- There’s a relationship between men and their machines that goes way beyond what we can put into words. (Ironically, there’s a relationship between women and words that goes way beyond what men could ever comprehend.)
- Picture a large rock jutting out of the ocean. You can imagine it specked with sea gull droppings if you're into detail.
- Brain waves are electromagnetic in nature and like radio and TV signals, they must travel through the air. If not, then we’d have to wonder if our craniums are lined with tinfoil, leaving potent brain waves to ricochet around inside our skull cases. Excluding my immediate family, I don’t buy that.
- How come Laura hasn't called back? I hope the girls are all right. Bears can be aggressive. Ah, so can women. I'm sure they're fine.
- Did I mention that the whole place smells like mothballs? Have you ever smelled mothballs? If so, how did you get their tiny little legs apart?
- It’s great to remember happy, pleasant and meaningful times, but bad memories are there too. I can recall intense feelings of confinement, fear, torture, and brutality: but who wants to remember the first grade?
- The chances of an answer – much less a coherent one – are about as slim as bumping into Mother Teresa at a Madonna concert.
- I take enough pills so that by the time I'm 60 I’ll have to rent a room next to a pharmacy. Or buy the pharmacy and put a cot in the back.
- Despite all looks being the result of a genetic accident that turns one woman into a lumpish housefrau and another into someone who can rake in millions simply staring vacantly at a camera, neither seem to be very happy with their appearance. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?
- I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.
- You know, what I really need is to find a meeting of QPA – Quantum Physics Anonymous.
- Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
- I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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