Humorous Quotes from The Odd Couple
1968 Movie written by Neil Simon
Starring Walter Matthau & Jack Lemmon

David Sheiner : Hey, you wanna do me a really big favor? Smoke towards New Jersey.

Herb Edelman : How many cards you got, four?
Larry Haines : Yes, Murray we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we’ll all have five. If you gave us two more, we’d all have six. Understand how it works now?

Walter Matthau : Yes, I finally got your letter. It took three weeks. Next time you tell Mommy to give you a stamp . . . . I know, but you're not supposed to draw it on.

Walter Matthau : Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.

Walter Matthau : He’s got ninety-two credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him America lights up . . . .

Walter Matthau : That’s what she said. He was going out to kill himself. He didn’t want to do it at home ‘cause the kids were sleeping.

Herb Edelman : A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
Walter Matthau : Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.

Walter Matthau : Not with Felix. I know him. He’s too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Walter Matthau : How’s he gonna kill himself in the john?
Herb Edelman : What do you mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that’s in there.
Walter Matthau : That’s the kid’s bathroom. The worst he could do is brush his teeth to death.

Jack Lemmon : . . . Twelve years of marriage . . . down the drain.
Walter Matthau : Drains can be fixed. That’s why they have plumbers.

Walter Matthau : (about how tense Jack Lemmon is) Look at this. The only man in the world with clenched hair.

Walter Matthau : Ahh, there’s my pussycat. Come here, darling. For a tip tonight, I’m gonna leave you the key to my apartment.
Iris Adrian : Is it informal or can I bring my husband?

Walter Matthau : Those are the facts, Felix. You’ve got to face it. You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.

Jack Lemmon : You can't leave dirt like this all night.
Walter Matthau : It’s been here three weeks, it’ll keep fresh until the morning.

Jack Lemmon : Where are we going to have dinner?
Walter Matthau : Anywhere you say. Chinese? Italian?
Jack Lemmon : You mean a restaurant? The four of us? It’ll cost a fortune.
Walter Matthau : We’ll cut down on laundry. We won’t wear socks on Thursdays.

Jack Lemmon : In other words, you're throwing me out. Walter Matthau : Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones.

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