Humorous Quotes from
When you look like your Passport Photo it's time to go home
By Erma Bombeck
- I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.
- There are two kinds of people in this world: those who do not attract mosquitoes and those who do. I not only belong to the second group, but I had documented proof that mosquitoes actually subscribe to a newsletter telling the whereabouts of feasts like me.
- In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
- The camping experience turned out to be as joyous as giving birth.
- I’m here to tell you we have lived life in the fast lane and life in the slow lane, but until you’ve spent a few weeks in the wrong lane, you have nothing to talk about.
- Naples traffic isn’t a condition. It’s a war in progress.
- Familiarity did not breed children as Mark Twain once remarked. It bred irritability and sniping.
- Shopping is basically a game of wits. Especially in Turkey, where every male citizen over the age of twelve is a carpet sales man.
- Foreign currency seems like Monopoly play money to me. I think nothing of dropping a suitcase full of Italian lire for a cup of coffee.
- I don’t understand people who can go abroad and come back with nothing to declare but diarrhea.
- Shopping is probably the most underrated contact sport in the world.
- Inquiring “Did you buy anything in Hong Kong?” is like asking “Does the Pope work Sundays?”
- You show me a religious shrine and I’ll show you a T-shirt that reads I GOT A PEEK AT THE POPE or LIVING IT UP AT LOURDES.
- The fact that we climb on and off of them (planes) by the millions in a cavalier fashion proves that we have not lost our adventurous spirit.
- Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.
- Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
- A good argument, when conducted properly, takes the time and full attention of two people.
- Once you see the drivers in Indonesia, you understand why religion plays such an important part in their lives. After a day as a passenger in a car, I would have worshipped the hotel draperies if I had thought they would protect me from bodily harm.
- It would have taken lobotomy for me to relax. (In an Indonesian car)
- A swim in the Colorado is to say hello to hypothermia.
- I have made an absolute fool of myself in most of the major capitals of the world. I’m a tourist and I act like one.
- I respect history as much as the next person, but to climb eight hundred forty steps to lie on your back and kiss a stone that doesn’t kiss you back is not a must see on my itinerary.
- The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
- Our entire medical file is composed of vacation-induced maladies, injuries, and mysterious fevers. We return from a trip sicker than we left. His (our doctor's) medical opinion is that if we don’t stop relaxing and start staying home, travel will eventually kill us.
- Most countries use very little meat in their diets. They serve a lot of fish. I have the feeling that I am eating bait most of the time.
- Never eat anything you can't pronounce.
- Beware of food that is described as, “Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.”
- It’s funny about water. When I am home I have to force myself to drink three glasses a day. When it costs $1.49 a bottle, I am like a sponge.
- I discovered my mother could carry on a conversation with a street sign. She never knew a stranger.
- In 1984, I traveled to NASA in Houston to do a piece on the space shuttle for “good Morning America.” If this was to be the Greyhound bus of the future, I had to know the most important thing about it: “Where’s the toilet?”
- As far as I’m concerned, plumbing is the key to world power.
- Toilets were invented by the Romans in the second century. The very next day, Out of Order signs were invented.
- Istanbul is a city in Turkey shrouded in mystery, steeped in history, rich in antiquity, and stubbornly hanging on to its old-world ambience. And that’s only the toilets.
- I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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