Humorous Quotes from P. J. O'Rourke's
Peace Kills

I assume that Mike is keeping current in Reporters’ Heaven (open bar and porthole in the floor through which highly placed sources quoted on the condition of anonymity can be watched as they fry).

Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship.

I'm not one of those children of the 1950s who was traumatized by the A-bomb. Getting under a school desk during duck-and-cover was more interesting and less scary than the part of the multiplication table that came after “times seven.”

Nothing concerning foreign policy had ever occurred to me. I’d been writing about foreign countries and foreign affairs and foreigners for years. But you can own dogs all your life and not have “dog policy.”

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don’t think that way. We don’t think much at all, thank God. Start thinking and pretty soon you get ideas, and then you get idealism, and the next thing you know you’ve got ideology, with millions dead in concentration camps and gulags.

A solitary bad person sitting alone, harboring genocidal thoughts, and wishing he ruled the world is not a problem unless he lives next to us in the trailer park. In the big geopolitical trailer park that is the world today, he does.

Republicans are squares, but it’s the squares who know how to fly the bombers, launch the missiles, and fire the M-16s. Democrats would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks.

Kosovo certainly taught the world a lesson. Wherever there’s suffering, injustice, and oppression, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it’s happening.

Winners don’t need to hijack airplanes. Winners have an air force.

Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you’re handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle murrain, and turning the Nile to blood, and smiting firstborn, give me a pass, and tell me when it’s over.

The first prime minister of Israel was a ferocious battler. He fought the British mandate, the war of liberation, Palestinian guerrillas, and the Sinai campaign. He even won most of the time, in the Israeli Knesset.

The people who talk incessantly about the Last Days have quit visiting the place where the world will end, due to violence in the region.

I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of “Do what I say or I’ll light this Marlboro and you’ll all die – in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke.”

Cairo is the largest city in the Middle East and Africa, with more then 16 million people, most of whom were offering to carry my luggage at the airport.

We Americans, who invented traffic, are always being startled by the forms into which it has evolved around the world. (God, if He’s a Darwinian, may be similarly aghast at life.)

A number of people were in the bar. Unfortunately for business, they all worked there.

A moral compass needle needs a butt end. Whatever direction France is pointing – toward collaboration with Nazis, accommodation with communists, existentialism, Jerry Lewis, or UN resolution veto – we can go the other way with a quiet conscience.

We went across the desert at terrific speed – “terrific” being about forty-five mph. But in a large armored, tracked vehicle, this is like forty-five mph down the stairs on a cafeteria tray.

A girl who is really pretty – whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun’s habit, or the front hall rug – never wraps herself so that the world can’t tell.

“Having looked at the Mideast,” Major Bob said, “I realize how the Arabs came up with the concept of zero.”

It’s time for young, hopeful people to be relieved of fighting duties. War should be fought by the middle-aged men who, anyway, decide that war should be fought.We don’t have our whole lives in front of us. We’re already staring down the barrel of heart disease and SEC investigations.

Today ninety-six thousand soldiers aren’t thrown into one such small space on a map. There are so many other kinds of space to fight over – outer space, cyberspace, the space between most people’s ears.

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