Humorous Quotes attributed to Phyllis Diller
1917- , American Comedienne
- A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- All comedy is bitching. If everything goes well, you have no comedy. (While interviewing Janeane Garofalo, May 1996)
- Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
- Did you hear about the Polish loan shark who lent out all his money and then skipped town? (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)
- Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
- Fang was in a wretched mood. He was doing push-ups in the nude and he didnít notice the mousetrap. (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)
- I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.
- I do dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. . . (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)
- Iím dedicated to culture. I honestly believe thatís absolutely nothing wrong about going to bed with a good book . . . or a friend whoís read one. (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)
- It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
- My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit. (While interviewing Janeane Garofalo, May 1996)
- The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
- The reason Iím not an alcoholic is I donít like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when youíre away from them, who needs it? (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)
- The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Tony Randall and I were once doing a variety show together, and the first thing he said to me was something about fellatio. I don't think I'd ever heard that word before, and I said, "I haven't read much Shakespeare." (While interviewing Janeane Garofalo, May 1996)
- Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
- What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
- You'd have to make an appointment to heckle me. My timing is so precise that either the audience is laughing or I am talking. Hecklers wait for a pause. They wait for dead air, and there's no dead air in my act. (While interviewing Janeane Garofalo, May 1996)
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