Humorous Quotes attributed to P. J. O'Rourke
1947- , American Journalist, Humorist, Author

... two key rules of Third World travel:
1. Never run out of whiskey.
2. Never run out of whiskey.
(All the Trouble in the World)

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. (Modern Manners)

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don’t think that way. We don’t think much at all, thank God. Start thinking and pretty soon you get ideas, and then you get idealism, and the next thing you know you’ve got ideology, with millions dead in concentration camps and gulags.(Peace Kills)

Are we disheartened by the breakup of the family? Nobody who ever met my family is. (All the Trouble in the World)

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport - two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner. (Holidays in Hell)

Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast. (The Bachelor Home Companion)

Even the bad things are better than they used to be. Bad music, for instance, has gotten much briefer. Wagner's Ring Cycle takes four days to perform while "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies lasts little more than three minutes. (All the Trouble in the World)

Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. Horse races, for instance, are very dangerous. But attempt to design a safe horse and the result is a cow (an appalling animal to watch at the trotters.) (Republican Party Reptile)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.(Parliament of Whores)

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.

I'm a registered Republican and consider socialism a violation of the American principle that you shouldn't stick your nose in other people's business except to make a buck. (Republican Party Reptile)

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with. (Holidays in Hell)

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult. (Modern Manners)

In a war against hunger, what do you do? Shoot the lunch? (All the Trouble in the World)

In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter. (All the Trouble in the World)

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation. (Holidays in Hell)

Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship.(Peace Kills)

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with. (Holidays in Hell)

Never serve oysters during a month that has no paycheck in it. (The Bachelor Home Companion)

Of course, the humans in Haiti have hope. They hope to leave. (All the Trouble in the World)

People who are wise, good, smart, skillful, or hardworking don't need politics, they have jobs. (All the Trouble in the World)

Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks. (The Bachelor Home Companion)

Saigon is like all the other great modern cities of the world. It's the mess left from people getting rich. (All the Trouble in the World)

Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise. (All the Trouble in the World)

Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun. (Holidays in Hell)

The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words. (Holidays in Hell)

The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns. The scene was entirely too cheery for journalism.(Give War a Chance)

The Constitution is a forthright piece of work and quite succinct - twenty-one pages (in the American Civics E-Z-reader large-type version) giving the complete operating instructions for a nation of 250 million people. The manual for a Toyota Camry, which only seats five, is four times as long.(Parliament of Whores)

The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet comes out, yet what a big difference it would make in your social schedule. (Holidays in Hell)

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then gets elected and proves it. (Holidays in Hell)

The world is built on discrimination of the most horrible kind. The problem with South Africans is they admit it. (Holidays in Hell)

True, children look up to professional athletes. But children are short and look up to everything.(Give War a Chance)

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