Humorous Quotes attributed to Quentin Crisp
1908-1999, English Writer, Actor and Raconteur
- Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.
- However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police.
- I am always far more easily aroused by a large sum of money than by a great quantity of sex. (The Bell Diaries)
- I live on the Lower East Side of Manhattan which people are trying to call The East Village — over my dead body. It is what solitaire players call "the discard pile." (The Bell Diaries)
- I seem to have become a latter-day Bernard Shaw — with all the loquacity but none of the wisdom. (The Bell Diaries)
- If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
- If you describe things as better than they are, you are considered to be a romantic; if you describe things as worse than they are, you will be called a realist; and if you describe things exactly as they are, you will be thought of as a satirist.
- In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis.
- In order to achieve good health, the most important thing is that you must never, never work.
- It doesn't matter what other people think of you. What matters is what you think of yourself.
- It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough.
- Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level.
- Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
- Mr. Bates has a stroke — and not of luck! (The Bell Diaries)
- My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it.
- The days we have so far had of May have been, like Ms. Dietrich herself, beautiful and cold. (The Bell Diaries)
- The difference is that if Americans don’t like you, they keep quiet about it; if they do, they say so. In England, if people like you, they keep quiet about it; if they don’t, they say so. (Interview with Ian Ayres)
- The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.
- The lie is the basic building block of good manners. That may seem mildly shocking to a moralist -- but then what isn't?
- The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as ''Soho'' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent.
- The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
- The young always have the same problem -- how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
- There (in school) he learned nothing that could ever be useful to him in adulthood except how to bear injustice.
- Those people are lonely who don't know what to do with time when they are alone. I do nothing. I am a dab hand at doing nothing. I do not subscribe to the Protestant ethic of needless activity. (Dusty Answers)
- When a boy and girl decide they are going to have sex, they roughly know what to expect. But before two men have sex, they practically have to hold a board meeting in order to figure out the agenda of what they’re going to do. (Dusty Answers)
- When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?''
- Work is a four-letter word that I never use in mixed company. (The Quentin Crisp Omnibus)
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