Humorous Quotes attributed to Rita Rudner
1955- , American Comedian, Writer, Actress
- All men think that they're nice guys. Some
of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. (Rita Rudner's Guide to
- I rationalize shop. I think a lot of women
do that. Like, I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
- I love being married. It's so great to
find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- I love to shop after a bad relationship. I
don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on
- I know I'm guilty of spending too much money on things I don’t really need. My last credit card bill was so big that before I opened it I actually heard a drum roll.
- I think men who have a pierced ear are
better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- I want to have children, but my friends
scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't
even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
- I want to have children while my parents
are still young enough to take care of them.
- I was a vegetarian until I started leaning
toward the sunlight.
- I wonder if other dogs think poodles are
members of a weird religious cult.
- I wonder what our children would be like. My husband is English and I'm American. They’d probably be rude but disgusted by their own behavior.
- I work for myself, which is fun. Except for when I call in sick. I know I'm lying.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and the
salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)
- If I can't have it all, can I atleast have
some of yours ? (Naked beneath my clothes)
- Marrying a divorced man is ecologically
responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)
- Men don't feel the urge to get married as
quickly as women do, because their clothes all button and zip in the front (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)
- Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband
at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said,
"Yes, but not with each other." (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)
- Men love watches with multiple functions.
My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. (Rita Rudner's Guide to
- Men would like monogamy better if it
sounded less like monotony. (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)
- My husband and I are either going to buy a
dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our
- My mother buried three husbands . . . and
two of them were only napping.
- Neurotics build castles in the air,
psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
- Saleswomen hold up dresses that are so
ugly and they always say the same thing too: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get
so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to
- The closest I ever came to a
menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
- The word 'aerobics' came about when the
gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour,
we can't call it Jumping up and down.
- There is truth in what they say about the sexes. Men like cars. Women like clothes. I also like cars because they take me to clothes.
- They're trying to put warning labels on
liquor saying, 'Caution, alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.' That's
ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women wouldn't even be that way.
- We've begun to long for the pitter-patter
of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more
- You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I
don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the
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