Humorous Quotes from
Another Roadside Attraction
By Tom Robbins
- The function of the artist is to provide what life does not.
- Logic only gives man what he needs. Magic gives him what he wants.
- Amanda heard the phone ring in her womb.
- Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant is purely a matter of perspective.
- I'm into a huge clearing, and squatting in the center of said clearing, just as cool and calm as Cleopatra on the royal pot, is a fort!
- I react instinctively (for experience has taught me ‘tis best) and backswing my left arm fast in an arc, a lovely Yokohama chop that knocks the seeds out of the recipient’s Adam’s apple.
- The afternoon sky looked like a brain. Moist. Gray. Convoluted.
- All these thoughts are popping like corn in my brainpan.
- “Carelessness is a weakness that isn’t tolerated in this order,” he says in a voice that the average housewife would have to take out of the freezer at two in the afternoon if she wanted it thawed in time for supper.
- The principal difference between an adventurer and a suicide is that the adventurer leaves himself a margin of escape (the narrower the margin the greater the adventure).
- The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future, the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
- Rule One in the manual of cosmic mechanics: a linear wrench will not turn a spiral bolt.
- I suppose I might as well risk my life for a bunch of garter snakes as anything else. Soldiers die every day in the service of reptiles.
- Nihilistic intellectuals once bugged the clergy by telling them that God was dead; now the theologians themselves – some of them – are writing the Old Man’s obituary.
- He (Galileo) was the spark that touched off the heap of combustible philosophical residue that had been accumulating beneath the backstairs of Popery for centuries. The resulting explosion blew a constipated hierarchy right off the golden pot.
- ... it just depresses me, shuts off my joy like I forgot to pay the bill and the joy company sent these monks around to disconnect my service.
- I felt so low I would have needed a twelve-foot stepladder to get into a Volkswagen.
- The history of the Catholic Church is written on charred pages splashed with gore. It is a history of inquisitions and genocides, of purges and perversions, of ravings and razzings. Yes, but through those same bloody pages walk parades of saints playing their celestial radios and sowing their sparkles of love.
- Our friend Plucky Purcell is an admirer of William Blake. Plucky says one has to admire a man who for 175 years can get away with rhyming ‘eye’ and symmetry.
- From the air, Vatican City looked like a marble Monopoly set. The Church owned all the property from Broadwalk to Illinois Avenue, has three hotels on every lot, and no matter how often it tossed the dice you just knew it would never land on Go to Jail, it would be forever passing Go and collecting $200.
- It was the greatest of the imperfect ventriloquist acts: when his lips moved, her body sang.
- Perhaps, you would prefer the words of the Ba Ba of Bow Wow who claims that life is a fortune cookie in which someone forgot to put the fortune.
- In order to be respected, authority has got to be respectable.
- In the garden known as Eden, our mythological sweethearts went too far. Tempted into unnatural positions by the Trickster, they aroused the censors who promptly shut them down. Management threw in a curse to boot, and that primal curse declared that the earth, because of man’s funky nature, would thereafter bring forth thorns and thistles.
- An erratic clock kept track of our arguments. It ticked with a Puerto Rican accent.
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