Humorous Quotes attributed to Robert Benchley
1889-1945, American Humorist, Writer, Actor, Critic

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down -- very important traits in times like these. (Chips Off The Old Benchley)

A lot of people say: "I'm no good in the morning until I've had my coffee." I'm no good in the morning even after I've had my coffee. (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

A man's whole life could be changed by such a fortuitous slip of the rubber...

An electron was a particle of negative electricity (one which knows when to say "No") (Pluck and Luck)

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. (Chips off the Old Benchley)

Anyone will be glad to admit that he knows nothing about beagling, or the Chinese stock market, or ballistics, but there is not a man or woman alive who does not claim to know how to cure hiccoughs. (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

Anything can happen, but it usually doesn’t. (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800. [Making a list of things he learnt during his first year at Harvard]

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language,...I said nothing. [In response to the person at Averell Harriman's house who said, "Say something funny, Mr. Benchley."]

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous...

I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open to criticism by purists. (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

I had just dozed off into a stupor when I heard what I thought was myself talking to myself. I didn't pay much attention to it, as I knew practically everything I would have to say to myself, and wasn't particularly interested. (Chips off the Old Benchley)

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

I take it for granted that I am growing older, although, except for a slight arteriosclerosis and an inability to hear, I would never know it. (No Poems, or Around the World Backwards and Sideways)

If there is one thing that I resent (and there is), it is to be told that I resent being told anything. It drives me crazy. (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge. (From Bed to Worse)

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Let's get out of these wet clothes and into some dry martinis.

One evening I had been working late in my laboratory fooling round with some gin and other chemicals. (Do Insects Think? Some Data on the Reasoning Power of the Wasp.)

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this. (Of All Things)

Sand is also a good place on which to write, "I love you," as it would be difficult to get into court after several years have passed. (No Poems, or Around the World Backwards and Sideways)

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

The only cure for a real hangover is death. (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

"The work can wait," I said, quoting our business motto. (My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew)

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not. (Of All Things)

Thus in our whole body, there are perhaps (six times seven is forty-two, five times eight is forty, put down naught and carry your four, eight times nine is seventy-two and four is seventy-six, put down six and carry your seven and then, adding, six, four, three, one, six, naught, naught, naught, naught), oh, about a billion or so of these red corpuscles alone, not counting overhead and breakage. (Pluck and Luck)

When I was a child I was of an affectionate disposition, but not enough to get arrested. (From Bed to Worse)

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