Humorous Quotes attributed to Robert Orben
1927- , American Humorist, Speech Writer, Editor

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Experience is the stuff that when you finally get enough of, you're too old to qualify for the job.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat.
Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Hollywood is now making a Western that's so modern, the Indian medicine man is a pediatrician.

I don't worry about money. My wife wanted a foreign convertible - I got her one. A rickshaw.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

I'm not knocking rock-and-roll, but if Van Gogh were alive today, he'd cut off both ears.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

My memory is so bad. I'm the only one who can watch Hamlet and not know who the murderer is.

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

One of the nicest things about conscience is - it's on your side. It never bothers you until you've had your fun.

Personally, I always tell my troubles to my enemies, They're the only ones who really want to hear them.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they'd tip.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

Things are getting so confused out there, they ought to call it the Muddle East.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

When you're invited to an evening of wine, women and song, it sometimes pays to find out the vintage of the first two.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

You know what's wrong with the world today? People are adding love to dog food when it's marriages that need it.

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