Humorous Quotes attributed to Rodney Dangerfield
1921-2004, American Comedian, Actor
For Tons of Great Rodney Quotes, One-Liners
and Jokes straight from the horses mouth visit The Master Himself at www.rodney.com
- A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
- At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
- I asked the cab driver, "Where can
I get some action?". He took me over to my house.
- I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
- I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- I knew my cousin was strange from high school. While I was dissecting frogs he was opening up flies.
- I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
- I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
- If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
- I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
- It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell
off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
- Last week I looked up my family tree, I found out I'm the sap.
- My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
- My old man, he was dumb too. He worked
in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
- My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
- My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- One time I got a college girl. She majored in business and psychology. For a 100$ she'd blow your mind.
- Smart kid I got. The other day I told him about the birds and the bees. He told me
about my wife and the butcher.
- The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
- You know you're drunk when you take a leak and your fly isn't open.
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