Humorous Quotes from
Rubber Legs and White Tail-Hairs
By Patrick McManus
- Mr. Craw, one of the seventh-grade teachers at Delmore Blight Grade School, wore the same suit every day for thirty years. Once, when Mr. Craw was sick, the suit came to school by itself and taught his classes, but only Skip Moseby noticed that Mr. Craw wasn't inside the suit.
- Lester brought his stamp collection to Show and Tell, and held forth on it for about an hour. An enterprising person could have cut the tedium into blocks and sold it for ice.
- I only attend the symphony when my wife can rent the straitjacket that looks like a tuxedo.
- Most of my exercise has come from strenuously avoiding all forms of physical fitness.
- A set of rules governs summer reading, and the consequences of ignoring them can be serious. For example, a man was arrested recently for reading Proust's Remembrance of Things Past on a public beach while naked. If you have any sense, you'll leave Proust in the library where he belongs.
- Combine sharks and illicit sex and you have a darn good summer read. The sex scenes should not be too graphic, of course. Otherwise, they are offensive or, worse yet, fall into the category of self-improvement.
- Turning back to the window, I practiced my melancholy stare, getting it
perfected for the time I became a writer.
- Thet ornery old she-critter. I wasn't dyin' fast enough to suit her, so she
put thet soup in a whiskey jug to disappoint me to death.
- One day some years ago, I awoke to find myself washed up on a beach in Hawaii. I made a mental note never again to partake of happy hour at a waterfront bar in Seattle.
- There had been something about Biff that gave me the uneasy feeling my charter boat might turn out to be nautical hybrid achieved by crossing the communal bathtub of a skid-row hotel with a sieve.
- Lacking any instruction in art, I had to make my way as best I could through trial and error. The problem was, I couldn't tell which was the trial and which was the error.
- His gun articles are so technical they don't have any words in them, but
only numbers, abbreviations, and a smattering of punctuation.
- I read his "Origins of the Cleaning Patch" aloud in the garden to bore
insects to death. It makes a wonderful pesticide.
- The first rule was never to catch more fish than we could eat. I don't
recall that we even once broke this rule, our restraint continuing to be a
source of some pride to me.
- Retch Sweeney's dog, Smarts, has distinguished himself over the years as the least aptly named animal with which I've ever been associated.
- I wanted to be able to brag to the kids at school about some neat trick
my dog could perform. I tried to teach Strange to fetch sticks, but he would only shrug and say, "You threw it, stupid, you go get it."
- During the years I was a college sophomore. I became interested in
philosophy and signed up for several courses, hoping the intellectual
discipline would improve my mind, or, failing that, help me get girls.
- Perhaps the single most difficult question that has stumped philosophers
since the time of Aristotle is, "Why do men fish and call it sport?"
- All outdoors-men always hide their keys on top of the right front tire. No one would ever think to look there if he wanted to steal your vehicle.
- Summer is that time of year when thousands of otherwise normal citizens are overcome with the urge to rush out to the great forests and mountains of America and get themselves lost.
- Since getting lost in the woods is almost always the highlight of any
outdoors vacation, it should not be left to chance. Getting lost requires
- Shortcuts rank number one among ways to get lost quickly and thoroughly. The typical shortcut requires triple the time to traverse as the long way around.
- Before starting your shortcut, take careful note of the position of the sun. This will give the impression that you know what you're doing but otherwise is absolutely useless.
- All lost persons carve notches on pieces of wood, each notch indicating
another day they've been lost. Carving notches is part of the tradition.
Actually, it's a good idea to carve several notches right away, just in case you get found within the next fifteen minutes.
- In the old days, lug nuts were held in place by rust, an early fixative possessing the qualities of both holding strength and cheapness.
- Inflating a tire by hand pump, I learned from my father, is made easier by chanting a mantra as you pump: "Hennnn-UFF! Henn-nn-nn - UFF!
Hennn-nn-nn-nn-n-n-n - UFF!" It works.
- A 300-pound gun trader snatched me off my feet, wrapped his arms around me, and began performing the Heimlich maneuver, almost crushing my ribs in the process. He stopped when a piece of meat shot eight inches out of my mouth, not realizing it was my tongue.
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