Humorous Quotes about
Russia / The Russians

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back. ~ Bob Hope (I owe Russia $1200)

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow – if Moscow has one. ~ Bob Hope (I owe Russia $1200)

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn’t got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it. ~ Bob Hope (I owe Russia $1200)

Following his doctor’s orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He’s leaving out the water. ~ Bob Hope (I owe Russia $1200)

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn’t be surprised if their wrestling was on the level. ~ Bob Hope (I owe Russia $1200)

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles. ~ Dave Barry (Boogers are my Beat)

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for “Joey Bananas”) ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry Slept Here)

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn’t work. ~ Frank Zappa (The Real Frank Zappa Book)

A great deal of the pupils’ time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the Soviet Union. He had learnt it at elementary school; at secondary school; at his sports club; at the Komsomol; at the university; at a folk dancing course; at the chess-club. ~ George Mikes (The Spy who died of Boredom)

Was he joking? Was he being sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or just courteous? There was no telling from his impassive face. What a country, he thought despairingly. In Russia you always knew. If a man made a stern face he was threatening; if he was laughing uproariously, he was joking. ~ George Mikes (The Spy who died of Boredom)

In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state. ~ George Mikes (The Spy who died of Boredom)

(of the Soviet government) The most realistic regime in the world. No ideals ~ Golda Meir

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them. ~ Jonathan Lynn & Anthony Jay (The Complete Yes Minister)

There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time. ~ P.J O'Rourke (Give War a Chance)

We Pray, You Liked The Show
There is one synagogue in Moscow. It wasn’t far from the hotel. I asked if I could visit it. Sure. They’d arrange it. I asked to go on a Saturday morning when services would be held. I went, and sure enough, there were a bunch of old Jews. Nobody young. All old Jews, praying away. Back at the hotel, I said to Jack, “That’s nice. At least they have one place where the Jews come and pray.” He said, “Kirk, are you kidding? Word got out that Kirk Douglas, the actor, wanted to see a synagogue on Saturday. So they sent to the casting office: ‘We want sixty old-looking Jews. Have them there Saturday, in costume, praying.’” ~ Kirk Douglas (The Ragman's Son)

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after. ~ P.J O'Rourke (Parliament of Whores)

It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa’s VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy. ~ P.J O'Rourke (Holidays in Hell)

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin’s new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that’s a human-rights violation. ~ P.J O'Rourke (Holidays in Hell)

The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they’re that gullible, maybe we should have held the summit at Atlantic City and let them lose all their missiles playing Keno. ~ P.J O'Rourke (Holidays in Hell)

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with. ~ P.J O'Rourke (Holidays in Hell)

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes. ~ Ronald Reagan (During radio microphone test)

[In Moscow] we got through to [Soviet leaders] Brezhnev and Kosygin on the telephone. I think it was because nobody had ever tried to call them at home before. ~ Ross Perot

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water – thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general? ~ W.C. Fields ~ W.C Fields (Fields for President)

There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income. ~ Will Rogers

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

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Humorous Quotes about Russia / The Russians

Humorous Quotes about
Russia / The Russians