Humorous Quotes from
How to Scrape Skies
By George Mikes
- I have always wanted to be a man with a mission; the
only difficulty was deciding what my mission should be.
- They (Americans) have their national game, baseball
- which is cricket played with a strong American accent - and they have a
national language, entirely their own, unlike any other language spoken on
- The Americans are extremely gadget minded people and
American gadgets have a peculiar characteristic: they work.
- Not only the whole of Britain but the whole
Continent could be nicely heated with the energy that escapes through
windows in the U.S.
- Table manners are usually quite senseless all the
world over. The rules are created by a small class of people who ridicule
others for eating differently.
- The Dutch had considerable trouble with the
administration of the new community, so the English with their customary
readiness to help people in trouble, rid them of all their worries by taking
the colony over by force in the seventeenth century.
- An English town is not simply the communal dwelling
place of a number of citizens, it is also an elaborate quiz; you cannot
simply 'pass through' an English town, you have to solve it.
- Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many
people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow.
- An average English motorcar could be placed, I
believe, without much difficulty, in the luggage-rack of an average American
- It was decided almost two hundred years ago that
English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known,
however, why this decision has not been carried out.
- It is great fun dying in the United States of
America. It is great fun first of all for the undertakers who make a
wonderful living out of it but also for the deceased who suddenly becomes
the centre of attention and fuss.
- If the sales fall off, spend more money on
advertising. But beware of one thing: do not improve the quality of your
goods. That will leave you a smaller sum to spend on advertising.
- American radio is the reverse of the Shakespearean
stage. In Shakespeare's time the world's greatest dramas were acted with the
most primitive technical arrangements; on the American air the world's most
primitive writing is performed under perfect technical conditions.
- They (American Companies) buy a certain amount of
time on the radio, during which they try to convince you that their laxative
is tastier, more efficient, cheaper and more beautiful to look at than any
other laxative in the world. To fill up time between two commercials, they
hire some comedians who crack a number of stale jokes and laugh at
themselves, loudly and heartily.
- The Reader's Digest is almost compulsory for
everyone. Its sale exceeds thirteen million copies monthly, not counting the
numerous foreign editions and the editions for the blind, deaf and the
- All its (Readers' Digest) articles are 'condensed'
from some other newspaper or periodical, and the reader consequently gets
everything in a dehydrated form - skinned, stoned and castrated. He only has
to put these articles into a glass of water and when they are dissolve,
drink them quickly and he gets a dose of culture.
- A young lady has become a Hollywood star mainly
because she succeeded in securing more than her fair share in breasts.
- The Negroes are the black spot of America.
- The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights
of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in
Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they
simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.
- There are indeed some ugly crimes - lynching for
instance - in which Negroes are involved without fail, in one way or
- The difference between the two main American parties
is very sharp and well defined; it is more marked than the difference
between communists and right wing Democrats in any European coalition
government: (a) One party is in, the other is out; (b) One party wants to
stay in and the other tries to get it out.
- When the Missouri [the battleship on which the
Japanese armistice treaty was signed] was shown to the public and visitors
were allowed on board, American children did more damage to her in one day
than the combined Japanese navy and air force had ever hoped to do.
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