Humorous Quotes from
Robin Williams Shows

Reality What a Concept :

Wonder what chairs think about all day. Oops, here comes another a**ehole.

In the words of Nefertiti - "Not tonight, it's my p... yramid !"

I guess ever since World War 3 things haven't been the same. You ... You probably don't even remember it though ... all 45 seconds of it ... you remember ?

Keep a touch of madness in you. Just enough so you don't become stupid. Just a little touch will keep you alive cause no one in the world knows how to tax that !

Live in New York (HBO Special)

Obviously, this is not going to be your normal night of theater.

This is brought to you by HBO which is a subsidiary of Time Warner also owned by America Online. You've got Mail ... I hope you don't have stocks.

It was so reassuring, George W Bush spoke to the stock markets the other day, and pppppfffffffffftttttttttttttttt.

Michael (Jackson) is claiming racism. And I say ... Honey you've got to pick a race first.

If you go to Neverland it says you must be this high ... to ride Michael.

I have a plan for Jerusalem, An interesting plan. It's called The Timeshare like Miami. Jews will get Hanukah, Passover; Christians will have Christmas and Easter and the Moslems will have Ramadan and that other Holiday.....Kaboom !

It is Bastille Day ... The day Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head.

I know the definition of 'retarded' in Texas is pretty wide...

Ladies and Gentlemen if you're going to Georgia I just want to tell you that Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up. Jane found God and Ted found out ... it wasn't him.

Canadian money is called the Looney ... How can you take an economic crisis seriously ?

And now there are people trying to kill us. And that's why I bought a gas mask. I thought I'll be safe I've got a gas mask. Wait a minute, I can't even get a condom on when I want to.

And Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein. So what they've done is publicly approve the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. {Pause} I wonder if he knows.

I know there's a cure for all this bio-terrorism that they send at us, I know there's one and ... it lies within Keith Richards.

I know that we may all be dead and gone. Keith will still be there with 5 cockroaches. Keith will go "You know I smoked your Uncle, did you know that ?"

Every so often Rumsfelt comes out and goes ... "I don't know where, I don't know when, but something awful is going to happen. Thank you, that's all for today. No further questions."

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

Nowadays when you go on a plane, the sweet little Southern stewardess comes out and goes "Ladies and Gentlemen, before we board flight 5 we are just going to do a few random bag checks. These are totally random. I'm just going to read off a few names. Hassan bin Seen, Akin bin Led, Havun bin F**ked, Judy Smith." 14 Arabs and a blonde. Every Black man and every Hispanic man in the room is going ... "Thank you God !"

The five year old kid, they're patting him down ... and he's going "What are doing? You're not a priest. Let go of me."

(Talking of George W Bush) But you realize some men are born great, some achieve greatness, some get it as a graduation gift. It's OK !

You can't bomb the Afghanis to the stone age cause that'll be an upgrade.

If you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his arm buried in a horse's a*se - That's a mechanic. Remember that.

Fundamentalists take it to be the word. Not transferable. Not metaphorical. THE WORD. 'In the beginning' ~ Genesis, 'Let there be light.' Could that be a metaphor for the big bang. No ! God just went click !

(Moses replying to his people) Where are we going? To Jerusalem to start years of struggle and later to Miami to f*ck up an election.

People say to me, they say Jesus wasn't Jewish. I say of course he was Jewish. Thirty years old. Single. Living at home with his parents. Come on. Working in his father's business. His mother thought he was God's gift. He's Jewish. Give it up.

Pat Robertson said (about Mother Theresa) "She's not a real Christian" Why Pat, because she doesn't have a tax shelter and a university ?

India has the (Atomic) bomb, Pakistan has the bomb and we're prepared to fight over Kashmir and your fu**ing president probably thought it was a sweater. What an a*seho** !

(In a Golf Commentator's tone) We're near the third green now. Could people be quieter. I'd like to hear the grass grow.

(About Tiger Woods) Son of black man and a Thai woman. Not even a German genecist could have thought that one up. Black athletic ability. Buddhist concentration.

Now they've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese Algebra.

Live at the Metropolitan Opera House (New York) ...

Ballet - Men wearing pants so tight, you can tell what religion they are !

You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself ...
You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself ...
You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself ...
God Damn it !

You want to the game interesting ... I tell you... give a little LSD to an umpire ... you'll have some fun ...He'll be going "Don't steal home ... Share it !"

In Georgia if you're caught for sodomy they'll put you in a cell with another man who's going to sodomize you. Southern logic.

Now in England if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun so if you commit a crime it's "Stop, or I'll say stop again!"

Here's a man (Col Gaddafi) who had the audacity to say "This is the line of death. You cross it, you die." {Pause} "Okay, you cross this line, you die." {Pause} "Okay, you cross this line, you die." "This line, you die." "Okay, you're knocking on my door, I'm not coming out. Naaaaah"

The whole Middle East right now is like an old Marx Brother's routine - "Gaddafi" "God Bless you" "Assad" "Nobody" "Hussein" "Nobody"

If god drinks then he might get stoned. Look at a platypus. I think you think he might.

A nuclear bomb is a man's way of saying I'm going to f**k up the earth. A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They'd never make a weapon that kills. No. No. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

You don't need drugs when you have a kid. You're awake, you're paranoid, you smell bad, it's the same thing !

We didn't have MTV in the old days son. We used to get stoned and watch the radio.

Quotes from Robin's Movies Check out Robin's Movies from Robin's Interviews
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