Humorous Quotes attributed to Spike Milligan
1918-2002, Indian-born British Comedian

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. (The Bible according to Spike Milligan)

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Clifford had a sister, but she had departed, that is, she caught the ten-twenty from Victoria. (Lady Chatterley's Lover according to Spike Milligan)

Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. (Lady Chatterley's Lover according to Spike Milligan)

Horizontal, this was Lady Chatterley's position in society. (Lady Chatterley's Lover according to Spike Milligan)

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

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I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States. (Puckoon)

Quotations from The Goon Shows Quotations from Spike Milligan Interviews

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