Humorous Quotes from
The Third Time Around
By George Burns
- I thought to myself, why not write bestseller. In the first place, more people read them, you make more money, and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book that nobody buys.
- Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.
- I figured I’d write a book of 250 or 300 pages. I knew I could do it, I had the paper.
- At nine o’clock in the evening my mother would holler out the window, “Come on up, children, it’s time to go to bed!” We’d all rush up, and my mother would stand there with the door open. When the house was full she’d close it. Sometimes I made it, sometimes I slept in the hall.
- If I said my father was the worst provider in the world, I’d be lying. He wasn’t that good.
- I’d always heard that all healthy men started at the bottom, and if this were true, I had a better start than anybody. For me to get to the bottom would be a step up.
- One thing this little episode taught me was that crime doesn’t pay – at least, not like it does nowadays.
- People are just not bothering with the tradition of marriage anymore. Nowadays when a young couple meet, if he’s got a rear seat on his motorcycle, they start living together.
- Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
- I’m eighty-three years old and if I want some excitement, I get myself a bowl of hot soup.
- Gracie was absolutely marvelous on the stage, and I was just the opposite. The act was called Burns and Allen, but it should have been Gracie Allen and What’s-His-Name.
- None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
- My parents had decided that I would be their last child, but after taking a look at me, my mother said to my father, “We’d better try it again, maybe this time we’ll get it right.” So along came my sister Theresa and then my brother Sammy.
- Believe me, if Alex Haley had my family, he’d still be writing Roots.
- Here I am jumping around, talking about Jack Holloway, Tom Fitzpatrick, Jack Benny….my sense of continuity is pathetic. But come to think of it, Shakespeare had a problem with his continuity, too. Willy jumped from The Merchant of Venice to Henry VIII, to Richard III, to Julius Caesar. He didn’t care about continuity, so why should I?
- Even though I know you can't live in the past, it’s nice to have one.
- From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
- I’ll let you in on a little secret: The Russians dance better sitting down than we do standing up.
- The three of us made a hasty exit, with me leading the way. I know that in case of danger it’s supposed to be ladies first, but that doesn’t count when you're a coward.
- I’d say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don’t go by me; I’m as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you’d be paying twice as much for this book. So relax, read it, and if you don’t enjoy it, remember that you're saving money.
- Bill Fields used to take a little drink now and then. And those now and thens were about five minutes apart.
- He (Frank Fay) hated everybody who was doing well. Why he hated me I’ll never know.
- In vaudeville if you didn’t show up on time, somebody sang your songs.
- That experience did teach us an important lesson about Hollywood parties: Don’t arrive on time. The bigger the star, the later he gets there. In fact, we went to one party where Clark Gable was so late he never even showed up.
- When I was young my mind was on food, booze, and girls. Now I never think of food.
- Working with Brooke Shields was quite an experience. We could only shoot four hours a day; the rest of the time was devoted to school. Then they’d let me out and I’d rush right back to work
- Now I'm sure some of you are wondering why God would come down a second time. Well, there’s a very good reason. The first time He came down He made the studio $65 million.
- To be a fine actor, when you're playing a role you've got to be honest. And if you can fake that, you've got it made.
- But it’s true, people do change. Each day you're a different person. Who knows, tomorrow I may be Cary Grant or Robert Redford.
- I've never lied about my age. If you're going to lie, lie about something important; like telling your wife there’s no other woman; or telling the other woman you don’t have a wife.
- Just because you're old that doesn’t mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn’t remember fifty years ago . . .
- They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Who needs new tricks? If you play it right, the old tricks still work . . .
- I was always taught to respect my elders. Well, I've finally reached the age where I don't have to respect anybody.
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