Humorous Quotes from
By Bill Cosby
- I did not want to turn to playing golf because
golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.
- It is a point of pride for the American male to
keep the same size Jockey shorts for his entire life.
- ...an observation equivalent to the captain of
the Titanic announcing, "We may be stopping near Newfoundland for a
- When I was fifteen and arrogant - a redundancy,
of course - I ...
- I wear glasses, primarily so I can look for the
things that I keep losing.
- Now go outside and bother your mother. That's
what mothers are for.
- I am just like any typical nuclear physicist.
My office may look messy, but I know where every atom is.
- "Don't worry about senility," my
grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."
- I remember my wife's birthday because she
announces it well in advance and momentously, the way astronomers announce
- Instead of writing it (a message) down, I
decide to keep it in my head, perhaps because of all the room for it there.
- "Did I hear you say that you eat fried egg
sandwiches?" my doctor asked me one day when I was in my forties.
"With a pickle," I replied. "You'd be better off eating
cyanide; it has less cholesterol."
- If shedding your arms was what it took to reach
the proper weight, these women were ready to go for it.
- I am not a physicist, but I'm sure that
the theory of the conservation of energy was discovered while watching an
eight-year-old pretend to work.
- In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing
when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.
- Never let the younger people know that you
think a compact disc is a sturdy spine; and never say to them, "That
was before your time," because the last full moon was before their
- In spite of the profound love I have for my
wife, sex at my age has become exhausting, which leaves me yearning for a
younger body, or longing for a good nap.
- If you put a boyish face on a man of
seventy-three who can't bend over, you have a new kind of centaur - and the
horse's ass is the man who had the surgery.
- What I pray is that all the parts of me do not
shut down all at once. What the man of fifty has to avoid is an orchestrated
- The average person wonders every day about the
weather, but I never think about that. I think instead about when Macy's
will be getting artificial hearts.
- Immortality is a long shot, I admit; but
somebody has to be first.
- There is a saying that goes: Youth is a gift of
nature; Age is a work of art. Well, I hate to disagree with Confucius or
Hallmark, but if age is a work of art, the artist is one who belongs in the
subway and not in the Louvre.
- Memory has a sugarcoater and we can never
remember pain. (If women could remember pain, we would be a nation of
- You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just
don't want to see the dog doing them.
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