Humorous Quotes attributed to
1879-1946, American Actor
- (Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:) "Yes, if
every other form of persuasion fails."
- All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
- Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising.
It was the only exercise I got.
- Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you
consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about
that?" WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."
- Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one
purpose--to make people laugh.
- Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant
than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is
seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
- "Fields reloading!" (Fields' retort from his dressing room after
a director had shouted, "Camera reloading!")
- George, my dear friend, your source is
impeccable. It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore. However, I'm not
drinking any less either.
"Have you any last wish?" WC: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before
I die." (pause) "Philadelphia will do."
- How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened
to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several
- Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
- I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin
- I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red
Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful. Contained so much
alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
- I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
- (Invited to play golf by someone he didn't like, Fields responded:)
"When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own."
- I'd wasted my time the night before when I could
have been doing something useful, like examining my reflection in the bottom
of a fine glass. (Gracie)
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use
being a damn fool about it.
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- I ad lib most of
my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
- I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I
have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as
belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't
insult the customers.
- "I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many
years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate.
There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad."
- I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I
also keep handy.
- I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people
claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since
the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
- I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the
- (In a restaurant to waitress): "I didn't squawk about the steak,
dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside
- I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know
- My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish
fluid they force down helpless babies
- ...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by
- My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our
- Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time."
WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."
- Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a
- Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.
- (Rationale for not drinking water:) "Fish f*ck in it."
- Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
- Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your
mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost
- Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...
- The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked
- Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
- The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get
out of it alive.
- Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to
- (When asked : "How do you like children?") "Fried!"
told that drinking would ruin his constitution) What constitution? It's long
gone. I've been living on the bylaws for years.
- What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?
- Water rusts pipes. (His reasoning for not drinking water)
(Fields' proposed epitaph:) "All things considered, I'd rather be in
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