Humorous Quotes from
Wisdom of the 90s
By George Burns
- Their house is like a hotel, and if the grounds were any larger, by now the Japanese would have bought it for a golf course.
- Being able to do risqué humor is one of the advantages of being old. It rates up there with Medicare, Senior Citizen Discounts and Early Bird Dinners.
- Happiness is having a legitimate excuse for not attending a Bar Mitzvah.
- Dress simple. If you wear a dinner jacket, don’t wear anything else on it . . . like lunch or dinner.
- Neatness is all-important. Keep your mustache short and well trimmed. This bit of advice also applies to men.
- Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.
- To avoid dandruff falling on your shoulders, step nimbly to one side.
- These days getting my adrenaline going is a little harder than getting my car started.
- There are things I recall that make my chest swell so much that I could wear Arnold Schwarzenegger’s shirts.
- The last picture I made for MGM was thirty-seven years ago, and making The Sunshine Boys was so exciting that I've decided from now on I'm going to make a picture every thirty-seven years.
- Besides being egotistical and arrogant, Frank (Fay) had another endearing quality. He could be brutally sarcastic.
- Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
- I still walk around my pool every day, but instead of going around it twenty times like I used to, I now go around it ten times. I still do my exercises every morning, but instead of thirty minutes, I've cut that to fifteen minutes. It’s the same with sex. I only talk about it half as much as I did five years ago.
- Show business is like sex – you need a good start and a big finish.
- When some performers look in the mirror they see what they want to see. The smart ones see the wrinkles.
- There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
- When I think of what education has done for other people, I shudder to think of what a success I could have been.
- Sitting around in some fancy resort in Hawaii or the Bahamas would bore me to tears. You couldn’t get me on one of those six-week cruises, even with three weeks off for good behavior.
- Sightseeing doesn’t interest me. I don’t applaud anything that can't applaud back.
- In those days money wasn’t something I had, it was something I owed. I didn’t have enough to buy food. There were times when I had to live for weeks on what the audience threw at me.
- There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children.
- A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
- Here’s my advice to you on money – make it.
- Joe E Lewis, the great saloon performer, blew fortunes at the racetrack, but he didn’t care. He used to say, “They tell me to save for a rainy day. But with my luck I’ll save , it’ll never rain, and I’ll be stuck with all that money.
- Here’s my advice to you young comedians – live to be old comedians. I don’t see how you can go wrong with that.
- All you teenagers out there. The big mistake you're making is that you listen to all that bad advice from kids your own age. You should listen to your parents. They’re entitled to give you bad advice.
- Some signs that old age might be creeping up on you...
When the parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel the best.
When your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
When you resent the annual swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
- I see people who go to jobs everyday that they can't stand. Not just blue-collar workers, but people who found out too late that they got into the wrong profession. They’re the ones who support the antacid business.
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