Humorous Quotes from
At Wit's End
By Erma Bombeck
- It’s those rotten kids. It’s their fault I wake up feeling so depressed. If only they’d let me wake up in my own way. Why do they have to line up along my bed and stare at me like Mody Dick just washed up onto a beach somewhere?
- There has to be something wrong with a man who keeps resetting his alarm clock in the morning and each time it blasts off smacks it silent and yells, “No one tells me what to do, Buddy.”
- In all the years we’ve been married he only got up once of his own accord before 9:30. And then his mattress was on fire.
- Before moving to the suburbs, I always thought an “Act of God” was a flash lightning at Mr. Sinai or forty days and forty nights of rain. Out here, they call a snowfall an “Act of God” and they close the schools.
- You be careful in that attic, do you hear? If you fall and break your neck, you're going to be late for school!
- So you swallowed the plastic dinosaur out of the cereal box. What do you want me to do, call a vet?
- This place will have to be cleaned before they can condemn it.
- With the entire block of my friends feeling trapped, bored, neurotic, and unfulfilled, why should I feel good and alienate myself?
- I don’t think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
- For years, I have built my figure on the premise that “fat people are jolly.” I have eaten my way through: pleasant, cheery, sunny, smiling, gay, spirited, chipper, vivacious, sparkling, happy, and supportive and was well on my way to becoming hysterical.
- There was a time when I had a twenty-three inch waist. I was ten years old at the time. As I recall, my measurements were 23-23-23.
- I’ll say you're not a beach boy. Remember when that kid wanted to borrow your inner-tube last summer at the pool and you weren’t wearing one?
- Some people with myopic vision look sexy. I look like I have myopic vision.
- Single women go out to ‘dine’. Married women go out to ‘eat’.
- I'm nothing at parties. I'm just not large on small talk.
- One day she arrived at the course, bubbling with excitement. “I've found a way to take points off my score,” she said. (At last, we thought, she’s going to cheat like the rest of us.)
- We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)
- Never try to talk your husband out of his depression over his taxes. The last woman I heard who stood at her husband’s elbow waving a flag and chanting, “Be thankful for Mom and apple pie,” is now living with her mother and working in a bakery.
- Sometimes I wonder why the Good Lord gave the job of having children to women, when men could organize the process and turn them out in triplicate in half the time.
- Next to children on a trip, there is nothing more trying than their father.
- You will find your road map, folded incorrectly in the glove compartment. Usually it will be a little out of date (listing only the original thirteen colonies). Once when I told my husband we measured but a hairpin and a mint away from our destination, he beat his head on the steering wheel and openly accused me of moving the Mississippi River over two states.
- Another vacation this year? You bet. We’re firm believers that at least once a year a family ought to get away from it all so they can appreciate good food, plush lodgings, convenient stores and breathtaking scenery – upon their return home after two grim weeks of togetherness.
- There’s a sameness to nagging that occurs after you’ve been married awhile. The routines became as familiar as the dialogue of two vaudevillians.
- I’ve always blamed my shortcomings as a mother on the fact that I studied Child Psychology and Discipline under an unmarried professor whose only experience was in raising a dog. He obviously saw little difference.
- I had a traumatic experience that I have not been able to relate to more than thirty or forty thousand of my most intimate friends.
- The key word with growing children – are there any other kind? – seems to be communication. If you're a lip-reader of any repute whatsoever, you have no problem. However, if you must compete with local disc jockeys which feed hourly through their earplugs this could get pretty sticky.
- Did you know that group (Maurice and His Electric Fuse Boxes) once recorded the guitar player’s hiccups and sold two million records?
- Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, “In Case of Fire, Throw This in First.” I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
- Any mother with half a brain knows that children’s apparel comes in three sizes: “A little large, but you’ll grow,” “Just right – so enjoy,” and “A little small, so stoop a little.”
- The organ, with all its scrolls, ornate panels, carpeted pedals, and elevated candle holders, was christened “The Heap” and was placed in the living room.
- Men approach their homes in the evening with all the detachment of a census taker.
- That clicking sound you hear about this time is the result of fourteen million husbands pushing the panic button. They are pushing it because they are hours away from Christmas and still have no gift for what’s-her-name, mother of his four children.
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