(ad-libbing with Bob Hope) When it comes to noses, you’re a retailer. I’m a wholesaler!

Be awfully nice to them going up, because you’re gonna meet them all coming down.
Everybody wants to get inna de act.
I went inta the Automat today and I put a lead nickel inta the slot and whattya think comes out? The manager.
I’m da only man in America who can smoke a cigar in da shower.
Ladies and Gentlemen, you are under no obligation to laugh. However, if you don’t, we have a brand new audience warming up in the basement.
Me and my big mouth !! I’d get rid of it, only it’s such a handy place to keep my teeths.
My nose isn’t big. I just happen to have a very small head.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech — every now and then she stops to breathe.
Now you know that you can’t go wrong … If you start each day with a song.
(replying whether he’d read The Encyclopaedia Britannica) No, I’m waiting for them to make a picture out of it.
The street is amuck with vehicles … and automobiles too.
(to his orchestra) Stop da music, stop da music! You’re supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place.
Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.
Treacher (Arthur), if anybody ever puts a price on your head … take it!
Victor, the housing situation in this country is abdominable, why it’s enough to give you an inferiority duplex.
What did Napolean do for relaxation? He read a book. What did Lincoln do for relaxation? He read a book. What does Congress do for relaxation? They book a red.
(when accused on splitting an infinitive) I don’t just split ’em. When I goes to woik on ’em, I breaks ’em up in little pieces.
(when told that every comedian at some time in their life wants to play Hamlet) Nah, not me. I don’t care if I never play one a dem small towns ever again.