Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.
Can we actually “know” the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. (Getting Even)
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don’t even know how the can opener works!
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
I don’t believe in afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. (Getting Even)
I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
Tons of Woody Movies, Books and Posters.
All being auctioned at ebay. To check what treat lies waiting for you today
I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
If you don’t fail now and again, it’s a sign you’re playing it safe.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Without Feathers)
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off. (Side Effects)
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. (Getting Even)
Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. (Without Feathers)
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. (Getting Even)
Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic…
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him “Be fruitful and multiply.” But not in those exact words…
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
The good people sleep better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. (Side Effects)
The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. (Without Feathers)
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. (Without Feathers)
What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours. (Without Feathers)
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? (Getting Even)