Humorous Quotes attributed to Ambrose Bierce
1842-1914, American Humorist,
Author - 'The Devil's Dictionary'
- ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious
way," commonly with the property of another.
- ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the
temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
- ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief
manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- ACQUAINTANCE, n. A
person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend
- ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail
to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.
- ALONE, adj. In bad company.
- APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the
box for another throw.
- ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your
house, and plans a draft of your money.
- BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him
- BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of
happiness behind her.
- CHRISTIAN, n. One who follows the teachings
of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
- CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who
having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the
Administration on condition that he leave the country.
- CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman
who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.
- CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to
be. (The Devil's Dictionary)
- Edible - Good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more
interested in himself than in me.
- EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who
has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be
- HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip.
- INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
- LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion,
producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises.
It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
- LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by
marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he
incurred the disorder.
- LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as
distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.
- PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe
be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating
erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.
- REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher.
- SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
- WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark,
usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a
- All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.
- Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
(The Devil's Dictionary)
- Here's to woman! Would that we could
fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
- Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.
- Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
- The covers of this book are too far apart.
- The gambling known as business looks with severe disfavor on the business known as gambling.
- Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.
- Woman absent is woman dead.
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