Humorous Quotes attributed to Ambrose Bierce
1842-1914, American Humorist,
Author - 'The Devil's Dictionary'

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.

ALONE, adj. In bad company.

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

CHRISTIAN, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. (The Devil's Dictionary)

Edible - Good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip.

INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.

LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.

PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher.

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. (The Devil's Dictionary)

Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The gambling known as business looks with severe disfavor on the business known as gambling.

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

Woman absent is woman dead.

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