“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.” – Kurt Vonnegut 

Kurt Vonnegut is using irony to criticize the belief in telekinetics or the supposed with the mind. The quote suggests that those who believe in it should demonstrate their belief by raising his hand for him.

“Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog.” – Li Ching-Yuen

I believe it is offering advice on how to live a balanced life. He advises people to remain calm, be patient and persevere like a turtle, move quickly and efficiently like a pigeon, and rest well like a dog.

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield’s

I think it is a self-deprecating humor that suggests that he discovered that he is the least successful or intelligent member of his family, often referred to as the “sap” or the weak link.

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin’s 

This is a criticism of the American Dream, a concept that suggests that anyone can achieve success and prosperity through hard work and determination. He suggests that the dream is unrealistic and unattainable for most people and that it requires people to be unaware of the reality of the situation.

“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” – George Bernard Shaw’s

This is a commentary on the nature of politics and government. It suggests that politicians often rely on the support of those who benefit from their policies, even if it means taking from others who are less fortunate.

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams’ 

I felt it is a humorous take on the mysteries of the universe. It suggests that the universe is so strange and inexplicable that any attempt to understand it would cause it to change into something even more bizarre.