Humorous Quotes attributed to Bob Hope
1903-2003, American Actor, Comedian
- (About his early boxing days) Some fighters are carried back to their
dressing rooms. I'm the only one who had to be carried both ways.
- (Asked shortly before a tour to Vietnam if he was worth 50 million dollars) If I
had $50 million, I wouldn't go to Vietnam; I'd send for it.
- Bing (Crosby) doesn't pay income tax. He just calls the government and says, 'How
much do you boys need?'
- (Commenting on why he cut his cruise vacation
short) Fish don't applaud.
- Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't
be balanced and McCarthy says the communists are taking over. You don't know
what to worry about these days ... whether the country will be overthrown or
- Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs
the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
- I do benefits for all religions -- I'd
hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
- I don't bother to look for parking space
anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.
- I grew up with six brothers. That's how I
learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
- I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're
the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
- I left England at
the age of four when I found out I couldn't be king.
- I went to play golf and tried to shoot my
age, but I shot my weight instead.
- I returned to Cleveland for a really big
homecoming. I remember it well. How they welcomed me...flags waving, bands
playing, big parades and everything. Yes sir! Lucky for me I arrived on Flag
- If you watch a game, it's fun. If you
play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
- It was so
cold at Thule, that one G.I. fell out of bed and broke his pajamas.
For all kind of
Bob Hope stuff.
From Bob's books, posters and signed photos to his movies, show tapes and cds of
his radio shows.
All being auctioned at ebay. To check what
treat lies waiting for you today ...
- Kids are wonderful, but I like mine
- Middle age is when your age starts to
show around your middle.
- My father told me all about the birds and
the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
mother thought the doctor had left the stork and taken the baby.
- My next door neighbor just had a
pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time
he makes love, my garage door opens.
- (On receiving his knighthood) Seventy years of ad lib material and
I am speechless.
- People who throw kisses are hopelessly
- Television. That's where movies go when they die.
- The good news is that Jesus is coming
back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
- There are 86 golf courses in Palm Springs, and Jerry Ford never knows which one he's going to
play until his second shot.
- They'll always be an England, even if
it's in Hollywood.
- This is Bob Football Hope telling you always to
use Pepsodent because it's better to set out for a nice run than to run out
for a nice set.
- (To President Kennedy when he was being presented
with a gold medal for
'services to his country'. ) I feel very humble, but I think I have the
strength of character to fight it.
- Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to
mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'
- Wine, women and song have been replaced
by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.
- You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.
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