Humorous Quotes attributed to Dorothy Parker
1893-1967, American Columnist, Poet, Writer, Critic

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

Do me a favor. When you get home, throw your mother a bone.

( Explaining why she was fired) Vanity fair was a magazine of no opinions, and I had opinions.

Guns are unlawful; Nooses all give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

He (Robert Benchley) and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.

He long ago said everything about everything - and what Oscar Levant has said, stays said.

I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

I dream of a rural life - raising cheques.

I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. (Sam) Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending.

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

If all the young ladies who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

(In answer to what she'd like for breakfast) Just something light and easy to fix. How about a dear little whiskey sour?

It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard.

Now, look, baby, 'Union' is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word.

Salary is no object; I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.

Stop looking at the world through rose colored bifocals.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires.

(The caption for an underwear layout) From these foundations of the autumn wardrobe, one may learn that brevity is the soul of lingerie, as the Petticoat said to the Chemise.

The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.

The transatlantic crossing was so rough the only thing that I could keep on my stomach was the first mate.

(To an actor who kept talking of his 'schedule' using the British pronunciation)
If you don't mind my saying so, I think you're full of skit.

(When a friend asked her how to get rid of his cat)
Have you tried curiosity?

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

Repartees :

Hopkins : "Don't you think she ought to wear a brassiere in this scene?"
Dorothy : "God. No. You've got to have something in the show that moves."

Ilka Chase : "Not only was Clare (Booth) loyal to her friends she was very kind to her inferiors.
Dorothy : "And where does she find them ?"

Frank Case (Manager of Hotel where she was staying) "Do you have a gentleman in your room?"
Dorothy : "Just a minute. I'll ask him."

Show Reviews

If you don't knit bring a good book.

I know who wrote those lyrics and I know the names of the people in the cast, but I'm not going to tell on them.

It was produced in accordance with the fine old Schubert precept that nothing succeeds like undress.

Book Reviews

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

This book of essays ... has all the depth and glitter of a worn dime.

This must be a gift book. That is to say a book, which you wouldn't take on any other terms.

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