Humorous Quotes attributed to Woody Allen
1935- , American Director, Screenwriter, Actor, Comedian
- At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.
- Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.
- Can we actually "know" the universe?
My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. (Getting
- Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
- Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.
- How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!
- I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
- I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
- I don't believe in afterlife, although I am
bringing a change of underwear. (Getting Even)
- I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
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- I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
- If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
- It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
- Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
- Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on
weekends. (Getting Even)
- Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best.
- Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
- Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic...
- Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I
said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those exact
- To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- The good people sleep better, while the bad
ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. (Side Effects)
- The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.
- The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
- What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- What is it about death that bothers me so
much? Probably the hours. (Without Feathers)
- Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
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